Greengirl PART SIX:
Relatively Green
By Ally Polly
Mike from Indiana and I are babysitting at my sister’s house for the weekend. I wouldn’t be doing this under normal circumstances, since we’ve only been dating for two months, but my sister’s uncompromising gallbladder had to be removed this weekend, and her husband is away on business. Mike from Indiana is all excited about playing touch football with my nephews, and considering I have four of them, my new favorite former collegiate jock, might just break a sweat.
We almost broke up before we even hit the turnpike. I could not believe he spent $40 at the Plaza Hotel’s lux and noxious dry cleaners (Located conveniently adjacent to the Harry Winston Outlet Store, in case he needs to pick up any last minute “make-up” gifts.) to dry clean his college football jersey, which he was packing up for “Game Day.” I told him I could wash the shirt by hand with my Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soap. He clutched the fraying jersey to his chest, reminding me it’s not just a ‘shirt’ and any soap that works on heavy grease cutting jobs and can still be used as a toothpaste, is not for him or his jersey.”
“Global Re-Heating,” as I am now calling it, has covered the Northeast Corridor with more consecutive days of rain than in Seattle. My ten-year-old twin nephews have been in the living room all morning, tossing a pig-skin projectile and warming up for the “dominating defense” Mike from Indiana promises to present.
Thankfully, the eight year old, whom I’ve nicknamed “TMI,” is away at camp, so my secrets, as well as those of other family members, are safe for another summer season. Last, but not allowing itself to be forgotten, is the tiny newborn. This baby is a miracle of life, and a junior perpetrator of all that is wrong with over-the-counter baby products and recycling. His diaper rash is controlled by a pharmaceutical nightmare that glows in the dark and his non-biodegradable diapers will outlive us all by at least 500 years.
I love my sister and most of her family dearly, but this is a house where fresh groceries means new boxes of Velveeta cheese and mashed potatoes from KFC are the closest these kids get to eating vegetables. Just this morning I found one of the twins in bed, having fallen asleep on a plate of grated cheese, while playing Wii. I did note the cheesy side of his face looked uncharacteristically supple. Mike from Indiana (or “Uncle Mike” as they are now calling him) thinks I’m overreacting. Fine. Let him defrost and microwave the next 8 pack of riblets and do the twice-daily loads of soiled whites that rival what coal miners must bring home from the depths of West Virginia. I didn’t give up P.J. Clarke burgers and Balthazar fries for this!
My sister, for whom “sustainability” is limited to a surprisingly long-term marriage, has forbidden me from talking to her children about “anything to do with meat” since the last time I gave TMI an overview of food supply chain management, he went on a hunger strike and passed out while waiting for the school bus. Our holiday conversations about saving the planet didn’t go much better…The next day he ran around the neighborhood calling his friends ‘murderers,’ for not cutting up the plastic rings that held their six packs of Yoo-hoo together. My sister is still trying to get back on good terms with some of the soda-slurping mothers.
It’s taken me the better part of a carb-loaded weekend, but I have finally made my peace with all this. Unfortunately, to find this serenity I ended up sitting peacefully in the back of my sister’s closet, sipping wine out of a box, with a Flexi-bender straw. It was either that or the 80-proof McCormick Vanilla Extract. If it weren’t “imitation” extract I would have given it a shot. I can hear the twins shrieking with excitement and fear as Uncle Mike reveals his faded power plays.
There are high-sucrose, brownies baking in the oven, the smell of which is wafting through the house like a tempting chocolate soufflé at Pastis. I might just have to try a little piece…maybe just a tiny corner, with a cold glass of organic milk, of course. Who am I kidding? I’ll wash three of them down with this not even “two-buck chuck” wine, before those stinky boys come in for the riblets I’m nuking in the microwave. What can I say? I’m in the suburbs with someone else’s kids and my boyfriend is having way more fun than I’m comfortable with.
SCORE! Uncle Mike cheers. If he wakes the Tiny One he’s going to have to spend some serious time with me in the penalty box when we get home.
Popularity: 5% [?]
Greengirl: Part 4 Green Vacation
By Ally Polly
It’s our second day in Madoff-stricken West Palm Beach, where the sun is hotter than I remember and the rates are now lower than the height of Hurricane Season in New Orleans. Mike from Indiana missed me, and invited me to join him for the weekend at his conference. I can hear him singing in the shower, and even though he’s been rinsing and repeating for more than ten minutes, and 20 gallons of water, I’m going to look the other way. I must get my neti pot out of the hotel safe, and it’s far too cool to dry brush my skin out on the balcony. I just might have to skip applying my buckroot body balm this morning. It has a strong odor and it’s not worth blowing my cover.
Popularity: 24% [?]
Green Girl PART FOUR
Absence Makes The Heart Grow Greener
By Ally Polly
Where do I begin? It’s been quite a month. It started with my very first Earth Day, during which I treated myself to an oxygen infused facial, a ‘living salad’ at Bliss, and a car service to get me home in time to turn out my lights for an hour with the rest of the world. My month continued with my Last Supper with Will at JGMelon, where I ate a side order of pickles and a small draft beer (my only vegan options) while Will relished a juicy medium-well, bacon cheeseburger, which I’m convinced he ordered out of spite since he knows I love bacon and I had just told him I met ‘ someone else’ who liked me and my ‘greenness.’ Will’s parting words were: “You’ll be back.” I’m not sure if he meant back to the world where meat patties roam free, or back to him. But I’m holding steady, on both counts.
Popularity: 34% [?]
greengirl PART THREE: spring fling
By Ally Polly
His name was Mike, and he hailed from Indiana. He ‘tweeted ‘ me for a week after I agreed to give him my email. He graciously paid for my afternoon cocktail series at The Oak Bar and was polite enough to listen to my ranting and ravings about my current financial hardships.
Not that I’m accustomed to playing a “ woman in need,” but I do remember someone telling me that men like women who are vulnerable. So I was more than happy to take one for the team. Is tweeting the new version of courting – or the precursor of stalking. Only time will tell.
Popularity: 15% [?]
GreenGirl PART TWO: spring fever
By Ally Polly
Spending the day in a movie theater, having been pink-slipped with the rest of the world (Why is it so easy to be downsized in the economy, but not in a dress size?) is a great escape, keeping me from sales racks, and enabling me to inhale faux butter. The ticket-taker, my former life coach, tries to tell me about a new theory from Wayne Dyer’s infomercial, but today I suggest to him that instead of previews they should have representatives from the unemployment office come in and hold a training session about the claim forms. Actually, I am more joyful than usual because it’s Tuesday, and this is the day I allow myself to have one Extra Large Diet Coke instead of the kale lemonade I have been toting around to other half-priced matinees and complimentary screenings.
Popularity: 43% [?]
Green Girl – Part One: Green Resolve
by Ally Polly
Another year, another birthday… Another evening of self-indulgent revelry, high sodium appetizers, and unnecessary must-have items. The truth is there was nothing I needed.
Popularity: 100% [?]